TV, movies, books, and mainstream media tend to desexualize trans men and our bodies. Let’s take a look at some facts worth memorizing. So, I’ve asked myself, what are some key things a trans man needs to know before diving into sex for the first time? Why are they important? And what social messages have kept other trans men from knowing them? Or maybe his first “first time” has already come and gone - but his gender transition has prompted the need for an all-new sex talk that encompasses his maleness. Further, the boy or man himself might have internalized shame about his trans body and consequently find it difficult to talk. Their guardian fumbles with gender, pronouns, body parts, or partners. Since I identify as a transgender man, I’m going to center the rest of my thoughts on trans men here and hopefully open space for trans women to talk about their own gender-specific experiences.įrom such a vantage point, I can honestly say: Most out trans boys, trans men, and trans masculine people I know receive inadequate, if not wholly non-existent, sex talks.
This can be a quick recipe for discomfort for lots of sex-talk recipients, including queer people, asexual people, abstinent people, and those who simply think sex is more than penis-plus-vagina.īut it also has its own particular wrinkles for transgender folks - who may additionally identify with any of the previous traits, as well. In other words, most “first time” talks make some pretty major assumptions: that everyone in the room desires the same kinds of sex acts (or desires sex acts at all), possesses certain body parts or shapes, and identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth. And they’ve usually assumed their audience is cisgender. Guardians - and this can include parents, mentors, and even sex education instructors - have traditionally defaulted to describing sex with heterosexual, penis-meets-vagina language. The guardian awkwardly shifts their eyes, but inside, they’re pleased to know they’re keeping their kid safe, that they’re acknowledging their child’s evolving reality.Īnd usually, this all happens on an assumed common ground of gender and sexuality that seems to help such conversations go smoothly - well, as smoothly as talking about sex with adults can ever be when you’re a teen. The kid groans outwardly, but inside, they cheer to be acknowledged as a maturing being.
The “ birds and bees” sex talk - a guardian passing on precious, heretofore unspoken wisdom in response to the onslaught of puberty - is often considered a rite-of-passage for Western adulthood.Īnd we all know how that storyline plays out, at least in the movies, right?